Date:	2004-11-08 22:28
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	cold

This weekend felt so long. It didn't feel long until this morning when I had to go back to school. Okay, this afternoon. It just felt like I hadn't been to those classes in forever. The end of the semester is sneaking up on me, and with that is the tension and stress that comes every year. Also, my dad comes home in 2 weeks, which will be awesome. I miss my dad. It is hard to believe I haven't seen him in over a month, and talked to him in only a little less than that.

Arg. It is so cold in my house. My hands are so cold it hurts to type.

I need to start sleeping less. I sleep too much. I also have seriously twisted dreams. The other day I kept having dreams about death. And then yesterday I had a dream a was a squirrel. Maybe I wasn't the squirrel, and I was just omnipotent, but it was still weird.
I've also been having dreams about things that I did in my past, like basketball and drumline. But they are different. I can no longer do what I used to. I dunno, just dreams of inadequacy and such. Sort of Depressing, really. Yeah. I definitely need to sleep less.

Urg. I should go clean up a bit around the house. My mom is getting kinda angry. Oh well.

Toodle-Pip

Date:	2004-11-04 14:57
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	lazy

I had to babysit last night for a little girl (Amelia) that I have known since she was born. I hadn't seen her in forever, multiple years. And last night as she was getting into bed she looked at a wall in her room and said "I still have that." I didn't know what that was until I turned around and saw what she was talking about. It was a sheet of paper with her name in block-letters and designs all around it, and at the very bottom was "<3, Bekki." I was truely touched and astounded that this little girl still had that. Making the sign is on the very fringes of my memory, but I do remember creating it.

It was really neat, to say the least.

In other news.....um. Nothing. The plans that Katie and I were making to surprise Brandon in Al. fell through. Stupid Idjit(j/k) is gonna be in Augusta. I was really looking forward to it too. Oh well.

Okay, well I am off to class.

Toodle-Pip

~~Bekki

Date:	2004-11-03 00:59
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	awake
Music:	CNN

So it has been months since my last update. I had decided that I didn't need this journal anymore. Possibly because I craved the opinions of people, and I wanted to use my journal to communicate to people what I couldn't say to them myself.

I hope that I have moved pass that. I feel like I have.


I think I have finally reached that "ex-girlfriend" status with Andrew. I mean, we broke up a long time ago, but I didn't feel like an ex. I felt like we were just friends, and what happened between us didn't really matter. Now, since that last argument we had, everything feels different. I feel like I am at a distance, which I would associate with being an ex. I dunno. Maybe I am over analyzing things. I am prone to do that.

I went and saw The Grudge tonight. It is the second movie ever that I have screamed in. Oh, and I screamed...one of those short high-pitched "oh-dear-lord" screams. It creeped me out. I saw it at Regal ( I know, I went to regal. It only furthered my love of AMC) with Alan, Ryan, Ian, and Wes. We went after trivia. Ray, and um...somebody whos name I don't remember...wanted me to stay at Friday's and watch the election results. I chose the movie. Overall it was fun. We were the only ones in the theater so we got to talk and they all made fun of me. Ha, amusing.

Now I am watching CNN. It is slightly disappointing. I mean, I know I didn't get to vote because I am an idiot, but I was hoping. This is the most I have ever paid attention to politics and I got rather excited. I know that there are those ignorant people that will rub it in the faces of those who voted the other way. What everyone should realize is that after this is all over we have to go back to being Americans again. We need to stand together. Needless to say, I'm not looking forward to tomorrow.

Ehh...this is long enough. It is a nice welcome back to me, I think. Woo!


Toodle-Pip

~~Bekki

Date:	2004-08-25 23:33
Subject:	Goodbye, Farewell.
Security:	Public
Mood:	blah
Music:	Coheed and Cambria

I think this will be my last post in this journal. As much as I love the idea of a good things and bad things journal, I don't think people read this one. And I have been saying some things that I want people to see. So, consider this a final toodle-pip.

TOODLE-PIP!!!!

~~Bekki

Well, it appears that the wrong-ness, that I experienced on Friday has compounded on itself. Yesterday was just not good for me. Well, actually, just after 10o'clock-ish. I was pretty pitiful for about 2 hours, but I fought myself. I really wanted to just have a "Bekki is worthless" attack session in my head. But the other part of me wouldn't allow it. (Wow...this is sounding really kind of Schitz right now). It was really weird because the one person that put me in my negative mood also pulled me out of it. How odd. I think things are okay though. I don't know I could be wrong. And if I get really annoying or something. Just let me know.
I realized yesterday how upset I am by this whole Brandon thing though. I really wanted to call and cry to him yesterday, but I was scared to. He is so mad at me, and I don't know where we stand anymore. And that just upset me worse. Oh well. I'm better today.
Toodle-Pip

~~Bekki

New LIVEJOURNAL post.

Date:	2004-08-20 01:47
Subject:	I'm an idiot.
Security:	Public
Mood:	gloomy

I feel absolutely terrible. I am a really bad friend, and I realize that now. I am also outrageously hypocritical. Brandon, I truly am very very sorry. What I did was extremely wrong of me, and I understand if you hate me. I'd hate me too. I went behind your back, and I shouldn't have.
And now Katie is upset with me, and I wish I knew the whole truth behind the reason why. I have my ideas, and I know that probably they are all wrong.

I knew that something was going to go wrong. Drastically wrong. Things were too good.
Fuck.

~~Bekki

Date:	2004-08-16 10:38
Subject:	The Good and the Bad...
Security:	Public
Mood:	hungry
Music:	Love Song- The Cure

The Bad
Arg!!!! My dad goes and buys a motorcycle for mom and me, but now I'm not ever going to be able to drive it. My dad called the insurance company about the rates changes and such for adding 2 more licensed drivers for the motorcycle. Yeah, no bueno. For me insurance will rise to close to 1600 a year. Why do all teenagers that have motorcycles have to drive like idiots!?!?! So, we're hoping that I can go ahead and get a permit, that way I can at least learn and when I become of age for the insurance to drop I'll be able to get my license. Damn the insurance companies!!! Oh well. That was my rant.
Yesterday at work sucked too. I think I ate some bad Checker's or something because I felt terrible. I ended up getting someone to cover the rest of my shift and was outta there by 9:30. I only got there at 5:45. It felt like I had been there all day. I feel better today though, so that is good.

The Good

Toodle-Pip

~~Bekki

These past few days have been good. Hense the lack of entries in the newly appointed "Sad Journal."

~~Bekki

Date:	2004-08-08 19:12
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	content
Music:	Somebody Told Me- The Killers

I finally submitted to the peer pressure and signed up for livejournal. But I decided that I am going to write all my not happy happenings here, and save the happy stuff for livejournal. Fitting, I think. Live, Dead. Oh well. This weekend was really good so nothing to update here. Except for the really sad movie that Katie and I watched. Beyond Borders, with Clive Owen and Angelina Jolie. I really liked Clive Owen in the movie, more lines than in King Arthur
Toodle-Pip

~~Bekki

Date:	2004-08-06 01:49
Subject:	I suppose it is time for an update.
Security:	Public
Mood:	disappointed
Music:	You and I Both- Jason Mraz

House sitting wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. The first few days were rough, but overall it was nice. The dogs woke me up at a decent hour, 10 at the latest. That was nice. I felt like I got more out of my day. That, or I was just bored longer.
Tuesday after work I went over to Jenni's. She was having a sort of final sleep over party thing. I wasn't planning on going. But when they called at 2:45, they talked me into it. I don't think they expected me to be awake. I'm glad I went though. Fancher doesn't hate me like I thought she did. Everyone has changed though. I don't think I could hang out with them all the time anymore. I just have a new perspective.
I am going to visit Katie this weekend it should be fun and exciting. I am very much looking forward to it.
I need to talk to someone. But I can't, because I've said my part, and now I'd like them to respond.
I don't know what else to say, so I am finishing this entry. Toodle-Pip

~~Bekki

Date:	2004-07-23 01:12
Subject:	Invisibility. Wished for by super heros, unwanted by me.
Security:	Public
Mood:	disappointed

I've had this feeling before, this feeling of invisibility. But it hasn't surfaced for at least 9 to 10 months. And now it seems to be becoming commonplace. I wish things were simple. I wish this in a way wasn't my fault. But I can't help it. I don't want to force my way into a group where I feel I don't belong. I guess this is for the best though. Everybody needs their friends, that aren't of the opposite sex. And I don't begrudge any of that. I guess some of it is jealousy. Just a teensy-tiny little bit. The part of me that sees new friends and wonders, where are mine? Do I still fit in to the equation?
The summer is coming to a close and with that a fear that I don't recognize. Everything that I held safe and regular is over, and I must move on to the new and unknown. I just wish I had someone next to me to do it with. Someone, whom I had no doubts. But I don't know anymore. Things have changed and they can't change back.
It is a mind numbing thing to watch a friend walk away and not turn around to ask if you are coming.
Maybe I am being completely selfish, I probably am.

Change. All because of some stupid dream in my head that I wanted so badly to true. It wasn't and things changed. Damn it.

Toodle Pip

~~Bekki

Date:	2004-07-19 01:02
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	calm
Music:	Hoobastank-Right Before Your Eyes

I was going to go to Stone Mountain today with Katie, but we never made it. When my parents got home from shopping this morning we moved most of the office down into the basement. That is where I am now. It's cool. I'll like it better once the change leads to my own room. Katie ended up helping and then we had chinese food, and then we got outrageously bored and went and played puttputt. That was fun. Basically an uneventful day.

Work on Friday was fun. I rarely get to work with Negron so it was a change. We talked about all sorts of things. And I think I sort of figured some things out because of it. Possibly. And there where other things we talked about which I hope weren't necessarily true. Oh well.
I'm too distracted to write. Toodle-Pip.

~~Bekki

Date:	2004-07-12 21:55
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	crazy
Music:	I love the 90s

I LOVE THE 90S!!!!!!!!

haha, I have so been looking forward to this show. And there are two episodes a night. Wooo!!!

Being home is odd. I'm not used to it. I am slightly disappointed that nothing got done to further the availability of my own room.
Ah well. Back to the 90s. Toodle-Pip.

~~Bekki

I miss everyone in GA and SC (only you Katie. :) )

I come home tomorrow, and I want to, because I miss everyone and it seems like things are falling apart there, but at the same time I like it here.
The weather is awesome, but I hate to say it, I almost miss a little rain. That, and the traffic BLOWS!!!
But, I am leaving now. I miss you guys!!!!!

Toodle-Pip

~~Bekki

Date:	2004-07-05 13:09
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	happy
Music:	Somewhere over the Rainbow/Its a wonderful World

I am in Los Angeles. We are just sort of hanging around the house. It is so nice here. When I arrived on Saturday we went to the Cheesecake Factory for lunch. Yesterday we went to the Flea Market with my uncle Ivan. It was fun. We played "How will I know You" which is basically making fun of people wearing excentric clothing without them knowing. Someone wearing something funny would walk by and one of us would say, "How will I know you." Then we did somemore hanging out at my Great Aunt's house. Today we went to Hollywood, saw the chinese theater, and other touristy stuff. Katie! Oh my gosh, our large house hunting pales in comparison to some of the house I saw today, it was amazing. We drove through Beverly Hills, beautiful. Now we are going to be having a family bbq. It shall be fun, I like seeing all my family whom I have no idea how we relate, and barely know. LOL. :) Well, I am off for more fun in the sun. Hope everyone enjoys Georgia. Toodle-Pip

~~Bekki

Date:	2004-07-03 07:03
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	excited
Music:	Talkshows on Mute- Incubus

Well, I have offically been up all night. 3 and a half hours until our departure time. Ohhh...I love flying. That moment when you break through the cloud cover into the sunlight. There is not a more beautiful or peaceful moment than that.

Oh, turns out my cell phone may have been a cat in a past life. After drying all day yesterday it turned on, and the sound was better. It still says that it is May 30th, but oh well.

I am taking my dad's phone to L.A. So, as much as I'd like to call and touch base with people while I am gone, I may not be able too. But hey, if I can, you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Breakfast Time.

Toodle-Pip.

~~Bekki

Date:	2004-07-03 02:20
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	bouncy
Music:	Echo- Trapt

Wooooo!!!!!!!!!! I am so excited right now. There shall be no sleep for me until the plane. What plane you say? *gasp* well only the plane that will be taking my siblings and myself to Los Angeles for a week. I am so excited!! And I have been this way since late Monday, early Tuesday. Spectacular!!!! Woo.
On a more sad note. My cell phone has gone to a better place. That big nonroaming, free textmessaging, place in the sky. I will miss you phone!
Why? How? you ask? thats terrible you say? What cut my cell phone's life tragically short? Why, only my mother putting it through the washing mashine in my work pants. My poor phone drowned! Urg...and it will cost me a ton to replace it. Ah well, things to not worry about while I am away.
I am going to miss everybody while I am gone.
And Katie, if I see Adam Brody I will jump him, and think of you. Ewwwwwwww!!!!!!!!! Haha, fun times.
Oh well, I stil have to finish packing and we leave in 7 and a half hours.


*Leaves to look around the house.....*Has anyone seen my bathing suit bottoms?!?! *sister gets angry b.c she is trying to sleep*


Man, I am in a weird mood. Toodle-Pip

~~Bekki

Date:	2004-06-29 03:19
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	indescribable

I don't even having anything to say anymore. The one thing I could actually say I had hope towards was shattered. Heh. I guess I don't need to be vague anymore. Hell I haven't need to be vague since the end of April, but I didn't know that. Okay, so yeah. I like Brandon. I should say liked, b/c I was mercilessly shot out of the sky, but I can't. I'm just that way. Well, needless to say he has known, but I didn't know that he knew until tonight, so we finally had to confront eachother on it, and for the most part it went rather well. I am still surpised that I didn't go running away screaming, and hiding in my room in shame. But that time has not yet come.
But anyway. I needed a kick in the ass when it comes to myself, and I got one. Not exactly how I would have liked, but it was still there. And I made a promise,and I am going to keep it. Lets just call California a trial run. Shall we? But yeah. So, I guess at this point I should say toodle pip, thought I'm not feeling all that up to it.

~~Bekki.

Oh yeah, and Brandon. If you ever make that type of comment again, I will be forced not to forgive you. And I think you know which one I mean.

Mood (since you can't chose more than one):crushed, hurt, betrayed, upset,aggravated, humiliated, bitchy, intimidated, pessimistic, scared

I cannot even believe that I am awake at this moment. My sleep schedule is so messed up, but it will get back to normal once my parents come home.
I want this summer to end so bad. For one reason and for one reason only. There is a problem that I can't fix, but with the end of the summer it will disappear. Or at least that is what I hope. Most likely it will still remain, but at the moment I can be optimistic.
My cousin is having this guy problem and she has asked me for advice on how to fix it, but I don't know what to say. She really likes some friend of hers, but she doesn't know how he feels in return. So, she doesn't want to say anything.
I'd tell her to suck it up and tell her friend, but I can only imagine that it is much harder than it looks. I actually did suck it up once. In 7th grade, I told a friend of mine I liked him. Needless to say, by the end of the year we weren't talking as much. I won't ever do it again, there is just to much at risk. Thus, leaving me in the dilemma of what exactly to tell my cousin.
I leave for California in 8 days. I am so excited. I hope everything goes better than I expect, though I highly doubt it, based on the thorough crushing my dreams recieved last time I was in Cali. I guess I just expect to much of things. People aren't exactly how I want them to be, or they don't think the same way I do.
I am never surprised. No, I take that back, once, 17th birthday, I got a T.V. complete shocker. But I have always wanted a surprise party, but each year, nothing. Or the ultimate of going away for a weekend, and coming home and seeing that somehow my parents made me a part of While You Were Out. That would be the most amazing thing ever. And yet, I know that it will never happen. Things like that never happen to me. Also why I will never win the lottery. I have never won anything in my life, whereas others are always getting lucky. I don't get it. Truely I don't. I know that I am extremely lucky for what I have, and yet I am left wanting more. What do those that have everything yearn for? I would love to find out. But I don't.
I have no willpower. I had all these big plans to fix my back fence and build a dog house, but deep down I knew none of it would happen. It is just the way I am. It is the same reason I will never be a part of a Drum Corp. It is the reason that I will never find a satisfying career or be absolutely, truely happy.
Gawd I am so childish sometimes, and I believe this is one of them. I just sit here typing all the thoughts that run through my mind. And yet at the same time avoiding the one that is doing the most laps. I am going to ruin everything with all my vague ramblings. No one can be that blind or oblivious to what I am trying desperately not to say, but at the same time hoping with all my might that I will find the courage to. Ugh...this is getting too long, and I am loosing too much control as I sit here. Toodle-Pip.

~~Bekki

Oh yeah. The next dog I get. Whenever that will be. Will be named Arden.